Monday, May 6, 2013

1 year, 11 months and 18 days...

This time, 2 years ago... I was blissfully unaware of the pain my heart was about to experience. Going about my days, pregnant with our first daughter, content, excited... happy. 

Life came to a halt on May, 18th 2011. My world derailed like a speeding train, crashing in to a fiery mess. I never knew pain like that existed. I never thought pain like that could be healed. Every second felt like an hour, every day felt like a year. I couldn't work, I couldn't eat, I could hardly smile without bursting into tears. People, friends... they didn't understand me. They couldn't. They hadn't felt that pain before. I wanted to live in my misery for as long as I wanted and I didn't care what anyone said about it. I didn't want to live a life where she didn't exist. I didn't think I could. But here I am, almost 2 years later - and while my heart still tightens when I think about the life that could have been. I look at the life I have, and I couldn't be happier. I couldn't imagine then, how things would be now. Married with the most amazing husband, who has loved me through it all. And a daughter who I couldn't imagine life without. 

One night, after Olivia was gone, I had a dream I will never forget. Of course, I had many dreams, sleeping pill induced nightmares of what we lost, or foggy wonderful dreams that I never wanted to wake up from. But this dream, this dream is the only one I can still remember. I was walking around in a strange place, looking for something. I came across a room, and in the room was a little baby laying on a table. I ran to pick it up, I held it tight in my arms. The little baby was a girl, and she opened her eyes, they were the prettiest green/blue color. She looked up at me, smiled, and said "Hi mamma". And I burst into a fit of tears. For that second, I thought I had my baby back. When I woke up that morning, I felt different. I felt a calmness and peace. That dream stuck in my mind.. it felt too real to ignore. I'm not one to always think that our dreams can predict the future or tell us something. But... just a few long weeks after Olivia was born, she blessed us with her sister - Harper. When I look at Harper, I always think of Olivia and that dream. I Think of how similar they might have looked, or acted. Harper is the happiest, most wonderful and beautiful little girl and we truly were blessed when we got her. And every time I hold her in my arms, and she looks up at me with the greenish blue eyes and smiles... I'm in that dream. Except this time, I don't have to worry about waking up. 

Precious Harper with her sister's ashes...

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