Tuesday, July 12, 2011

La douleur exquise...

Well it has been some time since I have felt compelled to write a post. It has been only 8 weeks since Olivia came and went. 55 days to be exact. It almost knocks the wind out of me thinking about how much time has passed. Not a day goes by the I don't think about her. 

It wasn't until recently that I really started to feel peace with what happened. I don't want to say that I have felt a final peace, I don't know if that will ever happen. It comes in waves, the pain and peace. But for now... the tide is on the side of peace. Everyone always says, "She will be with you forever". I didn't see it that way at first. I mean it's easy to say... but I always thought, "would she? How do you know?". I think that was the pain talking, the bitter sadness... I was too busy feeling her physical loss, to notice her spiritual presence. I would have moments, in dreams where she was there. I had one dream where It turned out Olivia hadn't really passed away. "They" were keeping her until she was ready.. and when I finally got to her, I put her in my arms. She opened her eyes, they were the most beautiful blueish green color. She looked up at me and said, "Hi Mamma", in the sweetest voice. My hear melted. But almost as soon as I woke up, reality hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I have to say though, that I believe the storm of my grief is starting to calm. The other day I was overwhelmed with the feeling of Olivia's presence. I kept saying, It's like she's not really gone. Almost like I was still carrying her. I even felt excitement. I was wide awake, and I felt the peace. It was warm, and loving and happy. I will never know what life would have been like with Olivia here in physical form, but I've accepted, and even started to fall in love with her being here in spirit form. I have always felt very strongly that because of the way Olivia was lost... she would find her way back to us. In whatever form that may be. And I believe she has. It's an exquisite pain, loving someone you will never have. But do, I love Olivia so much. I am so happy she is mine, even if it's in another world. I look at her pictures now and smile.. that's my daughter. And I'm going to share and remember her as long as I'm on this earth.

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