Tuesday, June 21, 2011

It's time to jump

I feel like I'm running out of words to express what I'm feeling since the loss of Olivia. Things are starting to level out. I now smile when I think of Olivia instead of instantly bursting into tears. I certainly have my moments, but it has gotten easier. It's amazing how if you just let out your raw feelings and emotions, how much easier they are to put back together. Life must go on.. we must move forward. We have to learn from what happened and make the best of it. I can dwell all day on what went wrong, what could have happened differently, how it's not fair... how I want Olivia back. But it won't change that she is no longer physically here with us. So, on to plan B. Making the most of her memory and enjoying the life we have now. I am torn though.. I want to be happy and move on but I don't want it to feel like I'm forgetting Olivia and what happened. How do you feel happy for living a life where your child doesn't exist? How do you let that go?

It feels like I'm standing in an airplane. I've got the parachute strapped to my back and I'm waiting to jump. I want to jump. But the plane, like my grief, is safe... and easy. Much less scarier than jumping out of a plane that is so far up from the ground, but also less fun. If I jump.. what happens? Will I survive? Will I ever feel whole again? Will I be able to hear a crying newborn and not want to run the other direction? Will I ever be able to look back and say, "This is why Olivia was born the way she was"? Will I ever look back and think, I'm so happy my life turned out this way. I don't know... but I'm going to count to 3, Pray like hell that I land with a smile on my face, and jump. And I'm going to enjoy every last beautiful moment of the fall....

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