I wasn't dreaming.. again.
They say morning brings "new hope". For me, morning reminds me all over again that Olivia is gone, and that my life is not what it was 3 weeks ago.
There are supposedly 5-7 (depending on who you ask) stages of grief. I didn't spend too long in the denial stage. How could I? The physical loss of Olivia was too real. I could no longer feel her kicking around inside of me. I could no longer hear her heart beating through my tummy. She was born sleeping... I held her precious 12.5oz, 10" long body... and there was no denying... she wasn't going to wake up.
So on to the next 2 stages, where I find myself now. Somewhere In between Pain & Guilt, and Anger. These 3 emotions seem to be the "in crowd" right now, Feeding off of each other and bringing along other close friends of theirs. I feel pain everyday. I feel pain in the guilt I have for not being able to give Olivia the body to be able to live. I feel pain in the thoughts of "could I have done something different? Could I have of saved her?". Oh the shoulda, woulda coulda's are a frequent dialogue in my head right now. They bring along a feeling of worthlessness, and distrust in the world, and my body. That distrust in myself has become a feeling of disgust. It makes me feel unworthy, unlovable... empty. Which, as expected becomes anger. I feel pain in the anger I have for.. I don't even know who or what. But I am angry. I am angry at the fact that I had finally found a path. I was happy. I was content. I had hope. Hope in the life Sam and I were going to share, and give to Olivia. I was making decisions, I had plans. And poof, or in my case "pop". It was over. Now I feel like I don't know who's life I'm living. I have to start over. I had created a vision of life that could no longer become a possibility. I no longer get to make decisions for "us". I was on the path to being Olivia's mama.. I was sharing my body with her. She was a permanent fixture in all things for the future. And while I know the future is still there.. and there is still lots of hope for it - I can't help but be consumed by the "what-if's" of Olivia not being apart of it.
Amazingly through all that pain.. I do see light. I've always been a particularly stubborn young lady, and while it's not always the case, I think it might be my saving grace. I can't let the pain win. I won't. I know I will get there... My hope is that my posse of emotions will slowly start to disappear, and my soul will heal, with each stroke of this keyboard. So here I am, getting it all out - every hurt, every pain, every tear. I heard these lyrics in a song, and thought... this won't be me.
"Whatever happened to the young man's heart.... Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart..."