Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Swimming through the ashes of another life...

I wasn't dreaming.. again.

They say morning brings "new hope". For me, morning reminds me all over again that Olivia is gone, and that my life is not what it was 3 weeks ago. 

There are supposedly 5-7 (depending on who you ask) stages of grief. I didn't spend too long in the denial stage. How could I? The physical loss of Olivia was too real. I could no longer feel her kicking around inside of me. I could no longer hear her heart beating through my tummy. She was born sleeping... I held her precious 12.5oz, 10" long body... and there was no denying... she wasn't going to wake up. 

So on to the next 2 stages, where I find myself now. Somewhere In between Pain & Guilt, and Anger. These 3 emotions seem to be the "in crowd" right now, Feeding off of each other and bringing along other close friends of theirs. I feel pain everyday. I feel pain in the guilt I have for not being able to give Olivia the body to be able to live. I feel pain in the thoughts of "could I have done something different? Could I have of saved her?". Oh the shoulda, woulda coulda's are a frequent dialogue in my head right now. They bring along a feeling of worthlessness, and distrust in the world, and my body. That distrust in myself has become a feeling of disgust. It makes me feel unworthy, unlovable... empty. Which, as expected becomes anger. I feel pain in the anger I have for.. I don't even know who or what. But I am angry. I am angry at the fact that I had finally found a path. I was happy. I was content. I had hope. Hope in the life Sam and I were going to share, and give to Olivia. I was making decisions, I had plans. And poof, or in my case "pop". It was over. Now I feel like I don't know who's life I'm living. I have to start over. I had created a vision of life that could no longer become a possibility. I no longer get to make decisions for "us". I was on the path to being Olivia's mama.. I was sharing my body with her. She was a permanent fixture in all things for the future. And while I know the future is still there.. and there is still lots of hope for it - I can't help but be consumed by the "what-if's" of Olivia not being apart of it. 

Amazingly through all that pain.. I do see light. I've always been a particularly stubborn young lady, and while it's not always the case, I think it might be my saving grace. I can't let the pain win. I won't. I know I will get there... My hope is that my posse of emotions will slowly start to disappear, and my soul will heal, with each stroke of this keyboard. So here I am, getting it all out - every hurt, every pain, every tear. I heard these lyrics in a song, and thought... this won't be me.

"Whatever happened to the young man's heart.... Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart..."  


  1. Hi Oliviasmama,

    My name is Niki and Ashely Schrom shared your blog with me, because like you, I lost my first baby too. Her name was Hannah Avery and she was perfect. She lived inside of me for 37 weeks and 4 days and I will cherish those days forever! She's been gone 2 years and 2 months now and there isn't one day that goes by that I don't think of her.

    Your blog is so heartfelt and rings so true to me. I totally understand when you say you feel like you don't know who's life you're living. You will miss her everyday for the rest of your life. Some days may be easier and some harder. Like you say, some days you feel pain, others anger, and others peace. Just know that whatever you feel is OK. Everyone experiences their own grief and whatever feels right in your own grieving process is what's right for you.

    I really admire you for sharing your story and your journey so openly and honestly. Olivia is so lucky to have such a wonderful Mama to carry her memory. She will be missed, but not forgotten. I wish you all the best in this long and hard journey.

    Here are a few resources I've found very helpful in my own journey.

  2. Hi Niki, I'm so sorry for your loss. Ashley told me about Hannah after we lost Olivia. And thank you... It's only been 3 weeks since I had Olivia. She was 21 weeks and perfect. I miss her very much everyday. I can't imagine anything more painful than what we have had to go through. I hope I come out stronger in the end. I never want to forget my time with Olivia and I don't wanna brush the pain under the rug either, so this blog is helping with that! Thanks for sharing your story with me!