I have been through loss before. It's not something new to me, unfortunately. But this loss... this loss was something I never knew I could experience. It's shaken me to my core. Changed who I thought I was and who I wanted to be. Changed how I go about my day. Something as simple as going to the grocery store can now be a draining event.
I feel as if I'm stuck in some sort of grief purgatory. I don't want to spend my days in pain, but when I try and be happy and "normal" - I feel guilt, which then brings back the pain. It's a catch 22. No matter how I decide to start my day.. it always ends with the pain.
I recently spent some time with my girlfriends, who I love so much. I sat there listening to everyone go on about their lives and how happy they were, and I realized, I didn't have anything to talk about other than Olivia. Time has stood almost completely still for me since May, 18th. And yet, here was everyone else. Living. It overwhelmed me to the fullest. I felt like I didn't belong anymore. And even though I tried my hardest to keep smiling and laughing... the pain. Oh, the pain... It can make you act in ways you don't even understand. I instantly wanted to be home, I wanted to lock myself away and never come out. I felt like I would be doing everyone a favor by just disappearing. That would be so much easier than forcing everyone to witness my despair. Easier than letting people feel sorry for me, or uncomfortable around me because they don't know what to say. I suddenly felt like the elephant in the room. It made me feel more alone than ever.
The sadness consumes me, makes me think things I know aren't true. I think, how can I allow myself to be happy when Olivia isn't here anymore. I sometimes feel like she left because I was being punished. And so I'm going to keep punishing myself by allowing the sadness to take away all possibilities of happiness.
This is my purgatory. And I can't wait to be out of it...