Thursday, June 9, 2011

The source of my peace

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him, 
And He shall direct your paths.." Proverbs 3:5

I found comfort in that quote the first time I read it. I've never been a very religious person, I believe in God and Satan, Heaven and Hell, But I've never relied on faith to direct my paths or provide comfort in times of sorrow or rejoice. I was recently asked, "Do you blame God?". At first thought I wasn't sure... It would be so easy to be angry with God. To be angry and blame him for taking my baby girl. But after a few moments I decided that, No I don't. I don't know much about God and his plans... but from what I believe, he would never inflict pain on us purposely. And since I believe in Satan, I think blaming God is what he would want. And since Olivia's passing, I have found comfort in words about the Lord and his plans. Comfort in believing that Olivia is an angel now in Heaven. The day Olivia came, I felt an all consuming sadness... and amazingly, the very few times I felt peace were the times when our friends and family around us were praying. And while some will say it came from my own personal strength.. I can't help but think that maybe that strength came from the faith and power in the trust and belief those around us had in God. 

When you lose a baby or anyone for that matter, the last thing you really want to hear is, "Everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan", but when the sadness eases, and you stop to think about the depth of those words... it actually does bring comfort and hope. I believe that those words now are what have given me hope. Hope that I will one day understand the meaning of all this. That Olivia will have a sibling that we otherwise would have never had a chance to meet. That this will make Sam and I become better people and parents and appreciate life that much more. That I can share my story and offer some comfort for those losing a baby. That this loss will make me stronger, and in some backwards way... Happier.

I feel a little more at peace today.. and while I will never know the true understanding of why anything bad happens to anyone. I know that I can find the ability to look at a bigger picture through comforting prayers and words from God and the strength of those around me who believe and live by him. 

I want to dedicate this post to a very sweet friend of mine... I hope you find your comfort and peace soon. Love you....

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